Hometown— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise, reduce hesitation and avoid repeating the same idea. Start with a clear topic sentence naming your hometown, then add one or two brief facts (when you moved and why). Use linking words to connect ideas and correct minor grammar (e.g., 'I come from' or 'I’m originally from').

例: I’m originally from Mehlavali, a village in India. I lived there until I moved to Brampton four years ago, and last year I relocated to Ottawa for work.

提案: Give a clear topic sentence then two specific supporting details. Reduce fillers like 'uh' and avoid repeating phrases. Use linking words (for example, 'also' or 'in addition') and mention concrete examples of services or aspects of the environment.

例: I like Mehlavali mainly for its natural surroundings. The village has a lot of greenery and fresh air, and in addition it offers important services such as a primary school and a small health clinic.

提案: Answer directly with a precise time phrase, then give one or two concise reasons with clear linking words. Avoid repeating words and filler sounds. Use a past or present perfect tense appropriately (e.g., 'I lived there for 25 years' or 'I had lived there for 25 years until I moved').

例: I lived in Mehlavali for about 25 years. I loved it because it had good roads and abundant greenery, and it also provided useful facilities like local shops and a health centre.

提案: Start with a direct answer, then give specific reasons and link them logically. Replace vague phrases like 'very unique' and 'youth people' with clearer vocabulary ('great for young people'). Combine short fragments into complete sentences and avoid sentence fragments.

例: Yes, I think it is a great place for young people. It has good healthcare facilities and lots of green spaces, so young people can enjoy fresh air and take part in outdoor activities.

× Originally I belonged to village Mehlavali in India, but I moved to Brampton four years ago and currently I live in Ottawa, ON and uh, I moved.

✓ Originally I was from the village of Mehlavali in India, but I moved to Brampton four years ago and currently I live in Ottawa, ON.

Use 'was from' or 'belonged to' is unnatural for hometown; 'belonged to village' is incorrect preposition/structure. Use 'the village of' to show origin and remove the redundant 'I moved' at the end. 'Belong' usually takes 'to' for groups/organizations, not hometowns.

× Originally I belonged to village Mehlavali in India, but I moved to Brampton four years ago and currently I live in Ottawa, ON and uh, I moved.

✓ Originally I was from the village of Mehlavali in India, but I moved to Brampton four years ago and currently I live in Ottawa, ON.

The noun 'village' needs the definite article 'the' and the structure 'the village of Mehlavali' is idiomatic. Missing article makes sentence ungrammatical.

× As I told you earlier, I am from village Mellavalli in India. It's a good place to live because of the greenery and the environment as well as there are so many services uh, provided in my village as there are schools and uh.

✓ As I told you earlier, I am from the village Mellavalli in India. It's a good place to live because of the greenery and the environment, and there are many services provided in my village, such as schools.

Again 'from village' needs 'the village'. 'As well as there are' is incorrect structure; combine ideas with 'and' or use 'as well as' correctly. 'So many services uh, provided' is awkward; use 'many services provided' and give example 'such as'.

× As I told you earlier, I am from village Mellavalli in India. It's a good place to live because of the greenery and the environment as well as there are so many services uh, provided in my village as there are schools and uh.

✓ As I told you earlier, I am from the village Mellavalli in India. It's a good place to live because of the greenery and the environment, and there are many services provided in my village, such as schools.

Missing article before 'village' and unnecessary repetition 'as there are' cause awkwardness. Use 'many' rather than 'so many' in formal speech and restructure sentence for clarity.

× In my village, I lived around 25 years and I really loved that place due to several reasons.

✓ In my village, I lived for around 25 years and I really loved that place for several reasons.

Use 'lived for around 25 years' to indicate duration; 'due to several reasons' is less natural than 'for several reasons' when explaining personal preference.

× In my village, I lived around 25 years and I really loved that place due to several reasons. As there are so many uh, facilities in my village, there are uh, like good roads there and greenery environment.

✓ In my village, I lived for around 25 years and I really loved that place for several reasons. There are many facilities in my village, such as good roads and green surroundings.

'Greenery environment' is incorrect collocation; use 'green surroundings' or 'green environment'. 'As there are so many' is unnecessary; prefer 'There are many facilities' and use 'such as' to introduce examples.

× Oh absolutely yes. It's a very unique place to live for youth people because of the facilities provided by my village as there are so many like health facilities there. Lush greenery which makes air fresh.

✓ Oh, absolutely yes. It's a unique place for young people to live because of the facilities provided by my village, such as many health services, and the lush greenery, which makes the air fresh.

'Very unique' is considered incorrect or redundant; 'unique' is absolute, so avoid modifiers like 'very'. 'Youth people' is wrong; use 'young people'. Sentence fragments like 'Lush greenery which makes air fresh' need to be connected and include articles: 'the air'.