Chocolate— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and organize your answer: start with a clear topic sentence, then give two specific reasons using linking words, and finish with a brief exception. Avoid redundancy (repeating sugar/weight).

例: I don't usually eat chocolate because it's high in sugar and can harm my teeth. Also, I'm trying to lose weight, so I avoid high-calorie snacks. However, I will occasionally have a small piece at celebrations.

提案: Give a clear frequency (e.g. never, monthly) as your topic sentence, then explain reasons succinctly with linking words. Correct grammar and avoid repeating the same idea twice.

例: I rarely eat chocolate—perhaps once or twice a month. This is because it is high in sugar and calories, which affects my dental health and weight. Occasionally I allow myself a small piece.

提案: Reduce hesitations and give one or two vivid examples with a linking phrase. Keep it within 3–4 sentences and include a brief concluding remark about how that differs from now.

例: Yes, I often ate chocolate as a child. For example, I loved chocolate-covered ice cream and chocolate-coated nuts, and I frequently shared them with friends. Now I only eat chocolate occasionally.

提案: Start with a general reason, then give two specific supporting details using linking words (for example, variety and cultural significance). Mention a brief result or effect to be more complete.

例: Chocolate is popular worldwide because it appeals to many tastes and cultures. For example, it comes in many forms and with various ingredients like nuts or fruit, so people can choose what they like. In addition, certain types such as dark chocolate are perceived as healthier, which increases its appeal.

提案: Choose a single clear opening sentence (you can mention two favourites), then explain briefly why using linking words. Correct small grammar (use 'strawberry' not 'a strawberry') and combine similar ideas to avoid repetition.

例: My favourite chocolate flavours are mint and strawberry. I enjoy strawberry for its fruity sweetness and mint for its refreshing coolness, so I often choose mint chocolate after a meal.

提案: Begin with a direct opinion, then support it with two specific reasons using linking words. Fix small grammar errors (people generally like). Mention one brief example of when it is especially suitable as a gift.

例: Yes, chocolate is a good gift because it is popular and enjoyed with drinks like tea or coffee. In addition, chocolates come in attractive packaging and many varieties, which makes them appropriate for birthdays or thank-you gifts.

× I generally don't eat chocolate because it has a lot of sugar, it's bad for my teeth.

✓ I generally don't eat chocolate because it has a lot of sugar and it's bad for my teeth.

The original sentence used a comma splice to join two independent clauses with only a comma. This is a sentence structure error (use of conjunction needed). Correct by replacing the comma with 'and' to join the clauses properly.

× In addition, I'm trying to lose weight and avoid chocolate.

✓ In addition, I'm trying to lose weight and to avoid chocolate.

Parallel structure requires both verbs in the same form after 'trying': 'trying to lose' and 'trying to avoid'. Adding 'to' before 'avoid' makes the verbs parallel and more grammatical.

× Just in some occasions, like in celebrations or parties, I might eat a small piece of chocolate.

✓ Only on some occasions, such as celebrations or parties, I might eat a small piece of chocolate.

Use 'on' with 'occasions' and 'such as' is more natural than 'like in'. 'Just' is less appropriate than 'only' in this context. Also changed word order for idiomatic phrasing.

× I often avoid eating chocolate because of health issues I have to say and sugar a chocolate is high in sugar.

✓ I often avoid eating chocolate because of health issues I have, and because chocolate is high in sugar.

The original contained redundant and misordered fragments: 'sugar a chocolate is high in sugar' is incorrect. Removed repetition, added 'because' to link reasons, and removed the article 'a' before 'chocolate' because 'chocolate' is used in general sense.

× Also, I'm trying to lose weight and chocolate has a lot of calories so once a while I eat a small piece of.

✓ Also, I'm trying to lose weight and chocolate has a lot of calories, so once in a while I eat a small piece.

Fixed adverbial phrase to 'once in a while' and added a comma before 'so' to join clauses. Also restored the object 'piece' without trailing preposition.

× When I was a kid, I often, umm, used to eat chocolate in different varieties.

✓ When I was a kid, I often used to eat chocolate in different varieties.

Remove filler 'umm' for clarity. 'Used to' correctly expresses past habitual action; no tense error beyond disfluency.

× For example, chocolate covered ice cream or chocolate covered, uh, nuts, uh, I enjoyed sharing the sweet treats with my friends.

✓ For example, chocolate-covered ice cream or chocolate-covered nuts. I enjoyed sharing the sweet treats with my friends.

Run-on sentence and disfluencies. Hyphenate 'chocolate-covered' as a compound adjective and split into two sentences to avoid comma splice. Remove 'uh' fillers for clarity.

× Chocolate comes in different forms with different percentage of cocoa and including a variety of ingredients such as nuts.

✓ Chocolate comes in different forms with different percentages of cocoa and includes a variety of ingredients such as nuts.

Use plural 'percentages' to match 'different', and change 'including' to 'includes' to create a clear subject-verb structure.

× So people have options to choose from and the dark chocolate is a healthy treat.

✓ So people have options to choose from, and dark chocolate can be a healthy treat.

Remove the definite article before 'dark chocolate' when speaking generally. Use 'can be' to indicate that dark chocolate is sometimes healthy rather than always.

× My favorite flavor of chocolate is mint and a strawberry.

✓ My favorite flavors of chocolate are mint and strawberry.

When listing two items, use plural 'flavors' and parallel nouns without articles: 'mint and strawberry'. Also adjust verb agreement to 'are'.

× I like the fruity taste of a strawberry and the coolness feeling of the mint.

✓ I like the fruity taste of strawberry and the cool feeling of mint.

Use 'strawberry' without article for general preference, and prefer 'cool feeling' or simply 'coolness' is awkward; 'cool feeling' is natural. Use parallel structure.

× Especially after a meal, I like to have a mint chocolate.

✓ Especially after a meal, I like to have mint chocolate.

Remove the article 'a' because 'mint chocolate' is uncountable/general here; both forms can be acceptable but this is more natural.

× I think chocolate is an appropriate gift.

✓ I think chocolate is an appropriate gift.

No change needed; sentence is grammatical. Included for completeness.

× It's pretty popular and people generally likes chocolate, especially with their tea or coffee.

✓ It's pretty popular and people generally like chocolate, especially with their tea or coffee.

Subject 'people' is plural, so the verb should be 'like' not 'likes'.

× Also, there are varieties of chocolates with different packages so I have many options to buy it as a gift.

✓ Also, there are varieties of chocolate with different packaging, so I have many options for buying it as a gift.

Use 'chocolate' uncountably for varieties, 'packaging' is the correct noun, and 'options for buying' is more natural than 'options to buy it'. Added a comma before 'so' to join clauses properly.