Singing— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: 문장이 자연스럽지 못하고 반복적이며 연결어 사용이 약합니다. 주제문은 있으나 'umm' 같은 채우기 표현이 자주 나오고 의미 전달이 모호한 표현(“naturally”, “that makes my day”)이 있습니다. 개선하려면: 1) 불필요한 채우기 표현(umm)을 줄이고 명확한 주제문으로 시작하세요. 2) 연결어(for example, also, or)로 이유들을 논리적으로 연결하세요. 3) 구체적인 예시(어떤 상황에서, 어떤 노래를 부르는지)를 하나 추가해 말의 신뢰도를 높이세요. 4) 문장 수는 3~4문장으로 유지하세요.

例: Yes, I enjoy singing because music helps me relax and boosts my energy. For example, when I hum along to upbeat songs in the morning, I feel more motivated for the day. I also like singing with my friends at small gatherings, and sometimes I sing alone to unwind after a stressful day.

提案: 내용 전달이 불명확하고 문법적 오류와 중복 표현이 많습니다(예: "learning this learning how to sing", "that was the all"). 답변 구조가 약하고 구체적인 예시가 부족합니다. 개선하려면: 1) 명확한 주제문(예: "No, I haven't had formal lessons")으로 시작하세요. 2) 이유를 간결하게 설명하고 연결어(so, therefore, instead)를 사용하세요. 3) 구체적인 대안(유튜브로 배운 방법, 친구와 연습한 장소와 빈도)을 제시하세요. 4) 문장을 2~4문장으로 정리하고 불필요한 반복을 제거하세요.

例: No, I haven't had formal singing lessons because my career plans did not require it. Instead, I learned informally by watching tutorial videos on YouTube and practicing with friends in a karaoke room a few times a month. This casual practice helped me improve my pitch and confidence.

提案: 감정 표현은 좋지만 문장이 중복되고 어색한 표현(“sing for me that to cheer up”, “very lucky”)이 있습니다. 보다 자연스럽게 감정과 목적을 연결하고 구체적인 노래 유형이나 상황을 언급하세요. 개선하려면: 1) 주제문에서 바로 목적을 밝히세요. 2) 감정의 이유를 간단히 설명하고 연결어(so, because)를 사용하세요. 3) 부연 설명으로 어떤 스타일의 노래(예: upbeat pop)나 구체적인 상황(시험 끝난 뒤)에 대해 말하세요.

例: I would primarily sing for myself because I'm often exhausted from many tasks and need a mood lift. For instance, after a long day of assignments I pick upbeat pop songs to cheer myself up. Singing alone helps me recharge and improves my focus for the next day.

提案: 내용 전달은 의도가 있으나 표현이 과장되거나 어색합니다(“give human wealth”, 반복된 'I think I think', 문법 오류). 추상적인 표현 대신 구체적 이유와 예시를 들어 설득력을 높이세요. 개선하려면: 1) 중복 표현을 제거하고 간결한 주제문으로 시작하세요. 2) 구체적인 방식(예: reduces stress, brings people together)으로 설명하세요. 3) 간단한 예시(합창, 노래방)로 마무리하세요.

例: Yes, I believe singing can make people happier because it reduces stress and creates social bonds. For example, singing in a choir or at a karaoke night helps people relax and connect with others, which improves their overall well-being.

× Yes, I like singing because umm, naturally.

✓ Yes, I like singing because it comes naturally to me.

The original sentence is fragmented and uses 'naturally' without a clear subject or verb. Rewriting as 'it comes naturally to me' provides a complete clause and clarifies the meaning. Use a subject and verb to avoid sentence fragments.

× I love music because it can make me relax or maybe more energetic and if I hum and repeat after the song, that makes my day.

✓ I love music because it can make me relax or feel more energetic, and if I hum and sing along with a song, it makes my day.

Run-on and awkward coordination: 'or maybe more energetic' lacks a parallel verb, and 'repeat after the song' is unnatural. Use parallel structure ('relax or feel more energetic') and a clearer phrase ('sing along with a song'). Join ideas with appropriate conjunctions and commas.

× So I like singing a lot with my friends, families and also alone.

✓ So I like singing a lot with my friends, with my family, and also alone.

Plural noun 'families' is incorrect in this context; use 'family' as an uncountable or collective noun. Add repeated preposition 'with' for parallel structure when listing different companions. This fixes number and parallelism errors.

× No I haven't because the dream job that I was considering is not that related to singing and entertainment.

✓ No, I haven't because the dream job I was considering is not related to singing or entertainment.

Remove unnecessary 'that' for a smoother relative clause and change 'not that related to' to the more natural 'not related to.' Use 'or' for alternatives 'singing or entertainment.' Include a comma after 'No' for clarity.

× I've never thought of learning this learning how to sing so rather I just saw the YouTube and repeat it again and also just singing with my friend with the singing room and that was the all.

✓ I've never thought of learning how to sing, so instead I just watched YouTube videos and practiced by repeating them, and I sang with my friend in a karaoke room; that was all.

The original has redundancy ('learning this learning'), wrong verb forms ('saw the YouTube'), and unclear noun phrases ('singing room'). Replace with 'watched YouTube videos' and 'practiced by repeating them.' Use 'karaoke room' for clarity. Break into clauses and use appropriate connectors.

× Who do you want to sing for?

✓ Who do you want to sing for?

No correction needed. The sentence is grammatically correct; it uses the pronoun 'you' appropriately as the subject.

× I want to sing for myself because these days I think I'm very exhausted and also a bit depressed about so many tasks and assignments.

✓ I want to sing for myself because these days I feel very exhausted and a bit depressed because of so many tasks and assignments.

Use 'feel' instead of 'think' for describing emotions. Replace 'depressed about so many tasks' with 'depressed because of so many tasks' for correct preposition usage. This improves verb choice and prepositional phrase.

× So I want to sing for me that to cheer up.

✓ So I want to sing to cheer myself up.

Unnatural word order and redundant pronouns. Use the reflexive pronoun 'myself' with 'cheer up' and place the infinitive 'to cheer myself up' correctly. This corrects sentence structure and reflexive use.

× So maybe I want to sing a song that's very energetic and also very lucky.

✓ So maybe I want to sing a song that's very energetic and uplifting.

'Lucky' is not a correct adjective to describe a song; likely intended meaning is 'uplifting' or 'cheerful.' Replace with 'uplifting' which accurately describes an effect on mood.

× And yeah.

✓ (No correction needed in formal response; omit filler.)

'And yeah' is a filler commonly used in speech. In formal speech or writing, omit fillers. No grammatical correction required, but recommend avoiding fillers for clarity.

× Yes, I think I think singing is one of the most important components that that is now shaping our lives because singing can give human wealth, increases human well-being and also it shows how to live with people in the harmony.

✓ Yes, I think singing is one of the most important elements shaping our lives because it can enrich people, increase well-being, and show how to live harmoniously with others.

Remove duplicated 'I think' and duplicate 'that.' Use 'elements' instead of 'components' for natural phrasing. 'Give human wealth' is incorrect; use 'enrich people' or 'provide emotional richness.' Maintain parallel verb forms ('enrich,' 'increase,' 'show') and use 'harmoniously with others' for natural prepositional phrase and adverb placement.