Shoes— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Try to avoid redundancy and improve sentence structure for clarity. For example, say "Yes, I like buying shoes, but I don't buy them often because I only purchase when I have enough money."

例: Yes, I like buying shoes, but I don't buy them often because I only purchase when I have enough money.

提案: Use linking words to connect ideas smoothly and avoid informal phrases like "Like". For example, "Yes, when I started working, I bought shoes online because it was convenient and our town lacks good malls."

例: Yes, when I started working, I bought shoes online because it was convenient and our town lacks good malls.

提案: Avoid informal expressions and improve coherence by using linking words. For example, "I usually spend less than 1000 pesos on shoes because I prefer to save money for more important things."

例: I usually spend less than 1000 pesos on shoes because I prefer to save money for more important things.

提案: Avoid unclear phrases and improve vocabulary. For example, "I prefer comfortable shoes over fashionable ones because I value comfort and quality more."

例: I prefer comfortable shoes over fashionable ones because I value comfort and quality more.

× I yes I do like buying shoes, but not too often because I just buy shoes when I have plenty of money.

✓ Yes, I do like buying shoes, but not too often because I only buy shoes when I have plenty of money.

The original sentence has an unnecessary repetition of 'I' and awkward word order. Starting with 'Yes' directly answers the question clearly. Also, 'just' is better replaced with 'only' to express limitation more naturally.

× I used to buy shoes from online because it gives me convenience not to go to the mall.

✓ I used to buy shoes online because it gives me the convenience of not having to go to the mall.

The preposition 'from' is incorrect before 'online'. The correct phrase is 'buy shoes online'. Also, 'gives me convenience not to go' is awkward; it should be 'gives me the convenience of not having to go' for clarity and correctness.

× Like I want to save money on most important things rather than spending it on shoes.

✓ I want to save money for the most important things rather than spending it on shoes.

The phrase 'on most important things' lacks the definite article 'the' which is necessary here. Also, 'save money on' is less appropriate than 'save money for' when referring to purposes or goals.

× I prefer comfortable shoes rather than fashionable shoes because I am a type of person that is more into comfortability and quality instead of being very fashionable.

✓ I prefer comfortable shoes rather than fashionable ones because I am the type of person who values comfort and quality more than being very fashionable.

'Comfortability' is not a common word; 'comfort' is preferred. 'That' should be 'who' when referring to people. Also, 'fashionable shoes' is repeated unnecessarily; 'fashionable ones' is more concise.

× But the cause is not serving you right.

✓ But the cause is not serving you well.

The phrase 'serving you right' is an idiom meaning deserved punishment, which is not appropriate here. 'Serving you well' correctly conveys the intended meaning of not benefiting or helping properly.