Shoes— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more fluent and concise: remove filler words, correct grammar (e.g., 'whenever my salary is credited'), and use a clear topic sentence followed by one supporting detail. Keep it within 3–4 sentences and avoid repetition.

例: Yes, I enjoy buying shoes. Whenever my salary arrives, I usually treat myself to a new pair from my favorite brands. I try to buy at least one pair a month because I like rotating different styles.

提案: Organize your answer with a clear topic sentence and 1–2 specific supporting reasons using linking words (e.g., 'because', 'so'). Avoid repetition and filler sounds, and correct word choice (e.g., 'stores' not 'shows').

例: Yes, I usually buy shoes online because there is a much wider variety and frequent discounts. Offline stores often have fewer styles and higher prices, so I find online shopping more convenient and affordable.

提案: Give a clear estimate and concise reason. Correct grammar (e.g., 'I don't spend much on shoes' or 'I don't buy expensive brand-name shoes') and avoid contradictory phrases. Use one or two specific details about typical price range or budgeting.

例: I don't spend a lot on shoes; I usually choose comfortable pairs on discount. Typically I spend around $20–40 per pair because I prefer saving money for daily essentials.

提案: Start with a direct topic sentence stating your preference, then give one clear reason and one brief exception. Remove fillers and correct pronoun and word choices ('they are more important than fashion', 'occasionally for events').

例: I prefer comfortable shoes because I walk a lot and need support for daily tasks. However, I sometimes choose fashionable shoes for special events or festivals.

× I really love buying shoes, especially, uh, whenever I my salary is credited, the first thing I do is I order shoes from my favorite bands.

✓ I really love buying shoes, especially whenever my salary is credited; the first thing I do is order shoes from my favorite brands.

The original sentence has an extra 'my' and uses 'bands' instead of 'brands'. Also 'the first thing I do is I order' is wordy; after 'is' use the base verb 'order'. The corrections remove the redundant pronoun, fix the noun, and use the correct verb form after 'is'. Suggestion: remove filler words, place 'my' before 'salary', and use 'brands' and the base verb after 'is'.

× So every once in a month I try to buy at least one shoes because I love wearing different.

✓ So once a month I try to buy at least one pair of shoes because I love wearing different ones.

'One shoes' is incorrect: 'shoes' is plural and needs 'pair' with 'one'. 'Every once in a month' is unnatural; use 'once a month'. 'Wearing different' is incomplete; add 'ones' to refer to shoes. Suggestion: use 'one pair of shoes' and 'different ones'.

× Yes, I mostly prefer buying buying shoes online because it has a lot of variety and styles and this specially discounts, uh, which I get only on online and in offline shows, uh uh, they shows less variety of shows which are not comfortable and uh not affordable.

✓ Yes, I mostly prefer buying shoes online because it has a lot of variety and styles and special discounts, which I get only online; offline shops show less variety, fewer styles, and are often less comfortable and less affordable.

The sentence contains repetition ('buying buying'), incorrect noun forms ('this specially discounts' should be 'special discounts'), wrong preposition ('only on online' -> 'only online'), and wrong verb form 'they shows' -> 'shops show'. Also 'shows' was incorrectly used for 'shops' or 'stores'. Suggestions: remove repeated words, use 'special discounts', 'only online', and correct subject-verb agreement to 'shops show'.

× I usually don't spend much on the money on shoes like buying the expensive and the branded ones.

✓ I usually don't spend much money on shoes; I avoid buying expensive branded ones.

'expend on the money on shoes' is redundant and ungrammatical. Use 'spend much money on shoes'. 'The expensive and the branded ones' should be 'expensive branded ones' without articles. Suggestion: remove extra 'the' and redundant words and place adjectives in correct order.

× I prefer the comfy and the shoes which are in discount and uh, due to which I spend a lot of money, which and which I spend on my uh, my essentials, daily routine essentials.

✓ I prefer comfortable shoes that are on discount; otherwise I would spend a lot of money that I need for my daily essentials.

Original is repetitive and unclear: 'the comfy and the shoes' and 'which and which' are redundant. 'In discount' is wrong preposition; use 'on discount' or 'discounted'. The clause about spending money is convoluted. Suggestion: simplify to a clear contrast and use 'comfortable' and 'discounted' properly.

× Immediately I will prefer the comfortable shoes.

✓ I would immediately prefer comfortable shoes.

'Immediately I will prefer' is awkward; 'would immediately prefer' or 'I immediately prefer' depending on meaning. Use no article before plural 'comfortable shoes'. Suggestion: use 'I would immediately prefer' for a hypothetical preference or 'I immediately prefer' for a general statement.

× Of course they I go for a walk and, uh, do my jobs where I need comfortable.

✓ Of course, when I go for a walk or do my work, I need comfortable shoes.

The sentence mixes pronouns and fragments: 'they I' is erroneous. 'Do my jobs where I need comfortable' is incomplete and missing the noun 'shoes'. Suggestion: restructure with 'when' and include 'shoes'.

× She was more than fashionable, uh, sometimes I prefer fashionable, uh, occasionally, uh, for events or festivals, no.

✓ Comfort is more important than fashion, but sometimes I prefer fashionable shoes occasionally for events or festivals.

'She was more than fashionable' is irrelevant and incorrect pronoun use ('she'). The meaning likely intended is 'comfort is more important than fashion'. 'Occasionally, for events or festivals' needs clearer placement. Suggestion: state priority and then mention exceptions.