Walking— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise, correct grammar, and organize into a clear topic sentence plus one supporting detail. Avoid repetition ("in in"). Use linking words to connect ideas and give a specific example of your walking routine.

例: I don't walk much because I work long hours as an office administrator. However, I do walk about seven minutes from my house to the bus stop and I walk again when I change buses on my commute, so I still get some daily activity.

提案: Use correct tense and clearer phrasing. Start with a direct topic sentence in past tense, then give one or two concrete supporting details and a linking word to show reason or result. Avoid unclear phrases like "risk walking."

例: Yes, I often went for walks as a child because I was very active and trained as an athlete. For example, I would walk and run with my friends every afternoon, which helped me relax and have fun after school.

提案: Give a clear topic sentence and specific reasons with correct vocabulary. Use linking words (for example, because, therefore) and avoid vague or awkward phrases like "people in order to walk at" and "are very mesmerized."

例: People like walking in parks because the peaceful atmosphere and attractive scenery make exercising pleasant. For example, the gardens, flowers, and trees provide fresh air and a relaxing view, so visitors feel motivated to walk longer.

提案: Use a conditional structure correctly and be specific about the place and reasons. Keep it concise: one topic sentence stating the place, then one or two supporting reasons with linking words. Correct redundancies like "Mandir Chindpuri Mandir" and awkward phrasing.

例: If I had the chance, I would like to take a long walk at Chindpuri Temple in Himachal Pradesh because the path involves many scenic steps offering mountain views. I would also enjoy hiking at Ridgemont for its varied trails and fresh air.

提案: Organize into past tense with a clear topic sentence, smooth linking words, and fewer hesitations. Provide a concise specific detail (when, who, what happened) and correct grammar ("for the first time I brought my daughter who was seven months old").

例: Two months ago I went mountain hiking, and it was special because I took my seven-month-old daughter for the first time. Although there was some snow, the trail was relatively easy and she seemed to enjoy the fresh air.

× But whenever I have to catch a bus from house to bus stop, I have to walk for 7 minutes and then again in in to change the buses and back from office.

✓ But whenever I have to catch a bus from my house to the bus stop, I have to walk for seven minutes and then walk again to change buses and back from the office.

Incorrect or missing prepositions and articles: 'from house to bus stop' needs articles and 'from my house to the bus stop' is correct. 'in in to change the buses' is unclear; use 'walk again to change buses'. Also add 'the' before 'office'. Use consistent verbs and remove duplicate word 'in'.

× Yes, during my childhood I love to walk and run a lot.

✓ Yes, during my childhood I loved to walk and run a lot.

Tense mismatch: 'during my childhood' refers to the past, so the verb should be past tense 'loved' rather than present 'love'.

× I was an athlete so risk walking was my day task.

✓ I was an athlete, so walking was part of my daily routine.

Unclear phrase 'risk walking' and awkward structure 'day task'. Replace with 'walking was part of my daily routine' to convey habitual action during that time and fix sentence structure.

× I love to go outdoors and spend time with my friends by walking and talking with each other.

✓ I loved going outdoors and spending time with my friends, walking and talking with them.

Pronoun and tense consistency: since referring to childhood, use past tense 'loved' and 'spending'. 'Each other' is unnecessary when 'them' is clearer. Also make gerund forms consistent.

× This way I can unwind myself.

✓ That way I could unwind.

Tense consistency and reflexive pronoun: in past context use 'could' and 'unwind' without 'myself' which is unnecessary here. Simpler phrasing is more natural.

× There must be a beautiful atmosphere around the people in order to walk at.

✓ There must be a beautiful atmosphere around for people to walk in.

Incorrect preposition placement: 'walk at' is incorrect. Use 'walk in' and rephrase to 'around for people to walk in' for natural word order.

× It will encourage the folks to walk more because the with the beautiful sceneries and the garden and the flowers, the greenery, all just are very mesmerized.

✓ It encourages people to walk more because the beautiful scenery, gardens, flowers and greenery are very attractive.

Adjective/noun misuse and redundant words: 'sceneries' should be 'scenery' (uncountable), 'the with' is incorrect, and 'are very mesmerizing' or 'are very attractive' is better than 'are very mesmerized' (passive and incorrect). Simplify and correct plurality.

× If I would have given a chance, I like to go to Mandir Chindpuri Mandir in India that is situated in Himachal Pradesh where I have to walk the walk on the stairs.

✓ If I were given the chance, I would like to go to Chindpuri Mandir in Himachal Pradesh, India, where I would have to walk up the stairs.

Conditional form error: use second conditional 'If I were given the chance, I would...' instead of 'If I would have'. Also use 'would like' for preference. 'Walk the walk on the stairs' is awkward; use 'walk up the stairs'.

× Apart from that, I love to go for the hiking.

✓ Apart from that, I love to go hiking.

Article and verb form: 'go for the hiking' is incorrect. Use 'go hiking' or 'go for a hike'. Keep present tense 'love' if speaking of general preference.

× For that I want to go to the Ridgemont.

✓ For that, I want to go to Ridgemont.

Article use with place names: usually no 'the' before proper place names like 'Ridgemont' unless part of the name includes 'the'. Remove 'the' unless it's part of the official name.

× Actually, two months back, I went for the hiking to a mountain, which was a great experience because I first time brought my daughter, which she was, uh, seven months at that time to the hike And she really enjoyed that, although there was a snow and, uh, because it was a quite a high walk, but the easier one.

✓ Actually, two months ago I went hiking on a mountain, which was a great experience because I took my daughter for the first time; she was seven months old at that time and she really enjoyed it, although there was snow and it was quite a high walk, but an easy one.

Multiple issues: 'two months back' -> 'two months ago' is more natural. 'Went for the hiking to a mountain' -> 'went hiking on a mountain'. 'I first time brought my daughter' -> 'I took my daughter for the first time' and use 'seven months old'. Replace 'which she was' with correct clause. 'There was a snow' -> 'there was snow' (no article). Fix 'it was a quite a high walk, but the easier one' -> 'it was quite a high walk, but an easy one'. Overall fix past tense and word order.