Travelling— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Reduce hesitations and filler words, and make a concise topic sentence followed by one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Aim for clearer sentence structure and slightly more precise vocabulary (e.g., “snow-covered” as a compound adjective).

例: Yes, I often look out the window when I travel. For example, on bus journeys I enjoy watching mountains and lakes because the large windows give a clear view, and I especially like seeing snow-covered valleys and forests.

提案: Avoid repeated hesitations and vague phrases (e.g., “et cetera”). Start with a direct topic sentence, then give one or two specific conditions and examples. Use precise vocabulary like “long-range lens” and replace fillers with linking words such as “however” or “for example.”

例: It depends on my equipment: if I have a camera with a long-range lens, I take photos through the car window. For example, I often photograph distant mountain peaks and birds when the light and visibility are good.

提案: This answer is clear and relevant but can be improved by replacing informal fillers (e.g., “you know”) and adding one specific reason with a linking word. Keep it to two or three sentences and use precise descriptors.

例: I definitely prefer the mountains because they feel calm and remote. For instance, I enjoy exploring quiet valleys and watching waterfalls, which helps me relax and disconnect from city life.

× I always admire the scenery of mountains, the lakes and the different, uh, snow covered regions.

✓ I always admire the scenery of the mountains, the lakes, and the different snow-covered regions.

Use of definite article 'the' is needed when referring to specific or general categories like mountains and lakes in this context. Also hyphenate 'snow-covered' as a compound adjective. Suggestion: add 'the' before plural nouns that refer to known categories and hyphenate compound adjectives.

× If possible while travelling, uh, especially from the bus, uh, that has bigger windows, it's always uh, clear and visible to see the, uh, the environment.

✓ If possible while travelling, especially from a bus that has larger windows, it is always clear and easy to see the surroundings.

Original sentence is wordy and ungrammatical. 'From the bus, that has bigger windows' should be 'from a bus that has larger windows' and 'clear and visible to see the the environment' is awkward: use 'clear and easy to see the surroundings.' Also remove repetitive fillers. Suggestion: simplify clause order and use 'a' for nonspecific bus and 'surroundings' for 'environment.'

× If I have a good resolution camera with good lenses that can capture, uh, for longer distance, I capture photos, uh, of mountains, uh, and different birds, uh, from the traveling car, et cetera.

✓ If I have a high-resolution camera with good lenses that can capture subjects at longer distances, I take photos of mountains and various birds from the moving car.

Use 'take photos' rather than 'capture photos' for natural collocation. 'Good resolution' should be 'high-resolution' (hyphenated) and 'longer distance' should be 'longer distances' or 'at longer distances.' 'Traveling car' is better as 'moving car.' Also change verb form to 'take' to fit present habitual action. Suggestion: use natural collocations and correct compound adjectives and plural consistency.

× I'm definitely the mountains person.

✓ I'm definitely a mountain person.

Use 'a mountain person' or 'a mountains person' is unidiomatic. 'The' implies a specific person previously mentioned; use the indefinite article 'a' to state preference. Also singular 'mountain' in this compound noun is more natural. Suggestion: use 'a' and use common collocation 'mountain person' or 'person who prefers the mountains.'

× It's just the calmness, you know, of the wilderness and the mountains and also different valleys.

✓ It's just the calmness of the wilderness, the mountains, and various valleys.

Remove filler 'you know' and use consistent article use: include 'the' before general landscape categories for clarity. 'Different valleys' is better phrased as 'various valleys.' Suggestion: streamline the sentence and use parallel structure with commas.

× I enjoy watching waterfalls as well.

✓ I also enjoy watching waterfalls.

Original sentence is grammatically correct but word order 'as well' at end is acceptable; 'also' before the verb is a clearer alternative. Suggestion: place 'also' before the verb for smoother flow.