Travelling— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and structured: start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific reasons or brief examples. Reduce hesitations and repetition to sound natural and fluent. Use a linking word to connect the main idea and the reason (e.g., because, so).

例: Yes — I often look out of the window when I travel because the scenery relaxes me and helps me forget daily worries. For example, on long bus trips I enjoy watching villages and mountains pass by, which makes the journey feel calmer and more pleasant.

提案: Clarify and avoid mistakes: provide a clear reason and a specific example, and remove false starts and fillers. Correct odd word choices (e.g., 'traps' is likely wrong — use 'memories' or 'experiences'). Keep answer to 2–3 sentences and use a linking word.

例: Yes, I take photos to preserve memories because I like looking back at them when I am older. For instance, I often photograph coastal views during holidays so I can remember the exact places and feelings from those trips.

提案: Give a concise direct answer then support with one or two specific reasons or a short example. Avoid trailing off — finish your thought. Use linking words (for example, because, such as) and specific vocabulary (e.g., marine life, coral reefs, peaceful sound).

例: I prefer the sea because it feels peaceful and full of life beneath the surface. For example, during a recent trip with my husband I loved watching dolphins and the colourful coral reefs, which made the experience magical and relaxing.

× Of course I do because whenever I watch scenery, I feel, uh, much relaxed.

✓ Of course I do because whenever I watch the scenery, I feel much more relaxed.

The sentence uses present tense correctly but has issues with article use and adjective modification. 'Scenery' as a general noun here needs the definite article 'the' to refer to the scenery outside. 'Much relaxed' is unidiomatic; use 'much more relaxed' (comparative) or simply 'more relaxed.' Use 'more relaxed' to compare one state to another, matching natural English usage.

× I feel that I'm so content and I think how, umm, how life is really nice if you, how life will be so nice if you live in such a nice place.

✓ I feel so content, and I think about how nice life would be if you lived in such a place.

Original sentence is repetitive and has tense inconsistency. Use concise structure: 'I feel so content, and I think about how nice life would be if you lived in such a place.' 'Would be' is conditional and fits the hypothetical idea; 'lived' (past subjunctive) is used for hypothetical present situations. Remove redundant phrases to improve clarity.

× Uh, of course, so I can just watch.

✓ So, of course, I can just watch it.

The sentence lacks an explicit object; adding 'it' (referring to the scenery) completes the thought. Reordering to 'So, of course, I can just watch it.' improves fluency.

× Yes, I do because I want to keep those memories uh, so when I grow up uh sorry when I get old umm, I just uh go back to those pictures and remember uh, the traps that I had when I was uh younger and whenever I see pictures uh for any.

✓ Yes, because I want to keep those memories, so when I get older I can look back at those pictures and remember the things I went through when I was younger.

Sentence is run-on, contains filler words, wrong word choice ('grow up' vs 'get older' and 'traps' should be 'things I went through'). Use 'get older' rather than 'grow up' to refer to future aging. 'Look back at' is idiomatic for revisiting photos. Remove fillers and finish the trailing fragment 'for any'.

× I do prefer the sea because whenever I look at the sea, I feel that there is another world which lives under the sea.

✓ I prefer the sea because whenever I look at it, I feel there is another world living beneath the surface.

'Do prefer' is grammatical but unnecessary; simple 'prefer' is more natural. Avoid repeating 'the sea'; use pronoun 'it.' 'Which lives under the sea' is wordy and awkward; use 'living beneath the surface' for a natural descriptive phrase. Tense remains present.

× The dolphins, the sharks, the fish and the coral reefs.

✓ For example, the dolphins, sharks, fish, and coral reefs.

This fragment lacks a main verb and functions as a list; make it part of a sentence by adding a lead-in like 'For example.' Also remove unnecessary repeated definite articles and add the serial comma for clarity.

× Umm, and I remember, uh, when I was, uh, on a trip with my husband last.

✓ I remember when I was on a trip with my husband last year.

The phrase 'last' is incomplete; it needs a time noun such as 'year' or 'month.' Use past tense 'was' appropriately; add 'year' to clarify the time reference. Remove fillers for clarity.