Birthday— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and organized: start with a clear topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details. Reduce hesitations and fix grammar (use present simple: “I usually celebrate my birthday with my family”). Use linking words like “usually” and “for example.”

例: I usually celebrate my birthday with my family in the evening. For example, we have a small party at home where we eat dinner and cut a cake, and I often receive gifts from friends and a special present from my husband.

提案: Use past simple consistently and give clear details. Avoid vague phrases and hesitations. Provide one or two specific past activities and a linking word (e.g., “usually” or “often”) to connect ideas. Correct collocations (e.g., “go to a party,” “dance”).

例: When I was young, I often spent my birthday with friends at local parties. We usually had cake, danced, and exchanged small gifts, which made the celebration very fun.

提案: Express your opinion clearly with correct grammar and coherent reasons. Use linking words like “because” and “also.” Avoid unclear phrases (e.g., “bring me to the world”) and reduce repetitions. Give one clear reason and a brief explanation.

例: Yes, I think celebrating my birthday is important because it reminds me to be grateful for my parents and the life they gave me. It also helps me reflect on getting older and preparing for new challenges.

提案: This answer is unclear and contains incorrect facts. First, identify whose birthday is culturally important (e.g., elders or children) and give a clear reason. Avoid unrelated names and explain cultural context with a linking phrase like “in Chinese culture.” Keep it concise and factual.

例: In Chinese culture, celebrating elders’ birthdays is often considered most important because it shows respect and gratitude. For example, families may gather to give blessings and serve long noodles as a symbol of longevity.

× 'I can receive so many gift from my friend families, especially a big gift from my husband.'

✓ 'I can receive so many gifts from my friends and family, especially a big gift from my husband.'

'Gift' should be plural 'gifts' to match 'so many' (singular and plural issue). Also use 'friends and family' rather than 'friend families' for correct noun forms and plurality; use preposition 'from' is correct.

× 'On my birthday, I normally celebrate, uh, the night party birthday with my family so that time we can spend time together and celebrate, uh, with my new age.'

✓ 'On my birthday I normally have a night party with my family so we can spend time together and celebrate my new age.'

'Celebrate' as used here is acceptable but sentence needed smoother present simple phrasing (present tense issue). Remove redundant words, use 'have a night party' or 'have a party at night' and 'celebrate my new age' is more natural. Maintain present simple for habitual action.

× 'When I was young, I normally, uh, spend time the birthday with my friends at the bar so we can celebrate, uh, with the birthday cake and umm, I got uh, some gift from my friends and we can't, uh, enjoy the party at par.'

✓ 'When I was young, I normally spent my birthday with my friends at a bar so we could celebrate with a birthday cake, I got some gifts from my friends and we could enjoy the party.'

Mixed tenses and incorrect verb forms: 'normally spend' should be past 'normally spent' to match past time frame (past tense issue). 'I got' is fine but 'some gift' should be 'some gifts' (singular/plural). 'We can't enjoy' is wrong in past context and meaning; use 'we could enjoy' (past tense). Removed unclear phrase 'at par'.

× 'I got uh, some gift from my friends'

✓ 'I got some gifts from my friends'

'gift' should be plural 'gifts' when referring to more than one (singular and plural issue).

× 'I think is, is really important for me to celebrate my birthday because this is a year that I can remember that how hard my mom is give birth to me.'

✓ 'I think it is really important for me to celebrate my birthday because this is a day when I remember how hard my mother worked to give birth to me.'

Missing subject 'it' in 'I think it is' (present tense issue). Also 'this is a year' is incorrect for a birthday; use 'this is a day' or 'this day'. Verb phrase 'is give birth' is incorrect; use 'worked to give birth' or 'gave birth' (tense/verb form).

× 'my friend families'

✓ 'my friends and family'

'friend families' is not a correct compound; use 'friends and family' (incorrect use of pronouns/nouns). This fixes meaning and plurality.

× 'And I'm really grateful that, uh, my parents bring me to the wall and, uh, to know that I am get the older and with the new challenges.'

✓ 'And I'm really grateful that my parents raised me and helped me understand that I am getting older and facing new challenges.'

Sentence structure errors: 'bring me to the wall' is incorrect idiom/structure. Use 'raised me' or 'brought me up'. 'to know that I am get the older' mixes forms; use 'helped me understand that I am getting older' and 'facing new challenges.' Also maintain present continuous 'am getting' for ongoing change.

× 'When I was young, I normally, uh, spend time the birthday with my friends at the bar so we can celebrate, uh, with the birthday cake and umm, I got uh, some gift from my friends and we can't, uh, enjoy the party at par. We can dancing or uh, just, uh, placement with.'

✓ 'When I was young, I normally spent my birthday with my friends at a bar so we could celebrate with a birthday cake, I got some gifts from my friends and we could enjoy the party. We could dance or just hang out.'

Multiple tense and verb form issues: 'spend' should be 'spent' (past tense). 'We can celebrate' should be 'we could celebrate' to match past narrative. 'We can dancing' wrong form; use 'we could dance' or 'we danced' (verb + -ing form error). 'placement with' is unclear; 'hang out' conveys casual gathering. Maintain consistent past tense.

× 'he born and he would have to, uh, the nation.'

✓ 'he was born and he would belong to the nation.'

Third person singular past passive requires 'was born' not 'born' alone (third person singular issue/verb in past participle). The original 'would have to, the nation' is unclear; likely intended 'would belong to the nation' or 'would serve the nation.' Adjusted to 'belong to the nation.'

× 'I think the birthday to the most important celebrate in China, umm, is Quentin because, uh, I think this is, it's important time, right to know that when he born and he would have to, uh, the nation.'

✓ 'I think the most important birthday to celebrate in China is Quentin's because I think it is an important time to remember when he was born and how he would serve the nation.'

Sentence structure errors: word order and articles are wrong. 'The birthday to the most important celebrate' should be 'the most important birthday to celebrate'. Use possessive 'Quentin's'. Use 'it is an important time to remember' and correct past passive 'was born'. Clarify 'would serve the nation' if that's intended meaning.