Travelling— Part 1 채점 보고서

제안: 全体として意味は伝わりますが、流暢さと構造に改善の余地があります。まず、「uh」などのフィラーを減らし、主題文で直接答えた後に1〜2文の具体例や理由を加えてください。また、語彙の選択（a greenery → greenery / see a greenery → see greenery）や文法（is a traveling → travelling）を自然な形に訂正すると良いです。つなぎ言葉（for example, because, so）を使って論理的に展開してください。

예시: Yes. I often look out the window when I travel by car or bus because I live in central Tokyo and rarely see green spaces. For example, the views of parks and rivers during a commute help me relax and feel refreshed after a busy day at work.

제안: 回答は意図を伝えていますが、冗長な表現が多く、同じ語句の繰り返し（friends or family）を避ける必要があります。主題文で直接答え、その後に具体例（どんな写真か、どんな反応が来るか）を1〜2文で述べると効果的です。また、接続語（so, which）を自然に使い、文を簡潔にまとめましょう。

예시: Yes. I often photograph scenery from the car and post the best shots on social media. For instance, a sunset photo I shared last month received many comments and started a conversation with several friends.

제안: 理由は明確で個人的なエピソードがあり良いですが、表現をより自然に整え、語彙を改善するとさらに良くなります（many beetles → lots of beetles / not so much beetles → not as many insects）。また、感情を表す語（traumaticは強いので、bothersomeやunpleasantの方が自然な場合もあります）を状況に合わせて選んでください。接続詞を使って簡潔にまとめると流れが良くなります。

예시: I prefer the sea. When I was a child I had an unpleasant experience in the mountains where I was bitten by lots of insects, so beaches feel much more relaxing to me. The open view of the sea helps me unwind and enjoy my time outdoors.

× Yes I do, I live in Tokyo and as a lawyer I lead a hectic life and uh, since my building is surrounded by many buildings so I cannot see a greenery in my daily life, so it is a traveling uh is a good opportunity for me to see a greenery and relax myself.

✓ Yes, I do. I live in Tokyo, and as a lawyer I lead a hectic life. Because my building is surrounded by many other buildings, I cannot see much greenery in my daily life, so traveling is a good opportunity for me to see green spaces and relax.

The original sentence is run-on and contains redundant or awkward phrases. Break into shorter sentences and remove filler words. Use 'Because' instead of 'since...so', use 'many other buildings' and 'much greenery' or 'green spaces'. 'Traveling is' is the correct noun phrase rather than 'it is a traveling uh is'. These changes make the sentence grammatically coherent and natural.

× I cannot see a greenery in my daily life, so it is a traveling uh is a good opportunity for me to see a greenery and relax myself.

✓ I cannot see much greenery in my daily life, so traveling is a good opportunity for me to see green spaces and relax.

'A greenery' is incorrect: 'greenery' is an uncountable noun and should not take 'a'. Use quantifiers like 'much' or noun phrases like 'green spaces'. Also 'relax myself' is wordy; native speakers usually say 'relax'.

× Yes, I like sharing beautiful photos of the scenery with my friends or family and so I often take a beautiful picture and post it to my social media which sparks conversation with my friends or family.

✓ Yes, I like sharing beautiful photos of the scenery with my friends and family, so I often take pictures and post them on my social media, which sparks conversations with them.

Use plural 'pictures' for general habit and 'post them on' rather than 'post it to'. 'Social media' takes the preposition 'on'. 'Which sparks conversations' requires plural to match 'pictures' and 'friends and family' is better as 'them' for pronoun reference.

× I like the sea because when I was a child I was bitten by many beetles at the mountain, which is a traumatic experience for me.

✓ I like the sea because when I was a child I was bitten by many beetles in the mountains, which was a traumatic experience for me.

Use 'in the mountains' (plural) or 'on a mountain'; 'at the mountain' is incorrect. Also the relative clause should match tense: 'was a traumatic experience' (past) since the biting happened in the past.

× Unlike the mountains, at the sea there is not so much beetles or other insects, and seeing the broad sea is very relaxing for me.

✓ Unlike in the mountains, there are not so many beetles or other insects at the sea, and seeing the wide sea is very relaxing for me.

'Much' is used with uncountable nouns; use 'many' with countable nouns like 'beetles'. Word order: 'Unlike in the mountains' is clearer than 'Unlike the mountains'. 'Broad sea' is unnatural; 'wide sea' or 'the wide expanse of the sea' is more natural.