工作— Part 1 评分报告

建议: Be more concise and natural. Start with a direct topic sentence (e.g., “I work.”), give one or two clear details (company name, role), avoid repetition and unnatural phrasing like “named as” or “night field member.” Use correct article use and word order.

示例: I work at Woolworths in Bella Vista. I’m a night stock team member, responsible for restocking products and preparing shelves before the store opens.

建议: Open with a clear topic sentence naming the location, then add one or two specific supporting details. Use linking words (for example, “also” or “and”) for coherence. Correct small grammar issues: use plural where needed and natural expressions (e.g., “near the metro station,” “freezer section,” “restock products”).

示例: I work in Bella Vista, a suburb between Seven Hills and Castle Hill. It’s conveniently close to the metro station, and I’m based in the freezer section where I restock daily-use products for customers.

建议: Give a direct opinion sentence and then one or two clear reasons. Avoid awkward phrasing and repetition. Use linking phrases like “because” or “also” and correct tense/word choice (e.g., “I usually eat there during breaks”). Keep it concise (max 5 sentences).

示例: Yes, it’s a good place to work because it’s close to the metro station, which makes commuting easy. Also, there’s a food court in the nearby mall, so I usually have my breaks there.

建议: Give a clear topic sentence (e.g., “Yes, I like it”) then provide specific reasons with correct grammar and vocabulary. Avoid repetition and incorrect pluralization (“staff” is uncountable; say “staff members” or “colleagues”). Clarify points about shifts and teamwork using linking words like “because” or “and.”

示例: Yes, I really like working there because my colleagues are polite and cooperative. The team helps each other with tasks, and the manager is considerate when assigning shifts.

建议: Start with a direct statement of your plan, then give specific steps and a timeline if possible. Fix repetition and unclear references (what is “the Sika”?). Use linking words like “after” or “then.” Keep sentences concise and grammatically correct.

示例: I plan to become a registered pharmacy technician. I’m currently applying for registration through the relevant authority (TGA or the local registration body), and once I’m registered I will seek a pharmacy position to progress my career.

× I work in a company which is very famous in Australia, named as Woolworth.

✓ I work for a company that is very famous in Australia, called Woolworth.

Use 'work for' to indicate employment with a company (preposition error). Also use 'that' instead of 'which' for restrictive clauses and 'called' is the natural verb instead of 'named as'. Suggestion: say 'I work for a company called Woolworth.'

× It is situated in the Bella Vista.

✓ It is situated in Bella Vista.

Do not use the definite article before most place names like suburbs. Use 'in Bella Vista' rather than 'in the Bella Vista.'

× I work as a night field member over there.

✓ I work as a night shift member there.

Use 'night shift' to describe the work period; 'over there' is redundant. 'As' is fine for job role but 'shift' replaces incorrect 'field'. Suggestion: 'I work the night shift.'

× I work in Bella Vista which is between Seven Hills and the Castle Hill.

✓ I work in Bella Vista, which is between Seven Hills and Castle Hill.

Do not use 'the' before place names like 'Castle Hill'. Also add a comma before the non-restrictive clause 'which is...'.

× The way to reach out is very convenient as it is near to the metro station.

✓ The way to get there is very convenient because it is near the metro station.

Use 'get there' rather than 'reach out' for going to a place. Do not use 'near to'; use 'near'. Use 'because' for reason. Suggestion: 'It's convenient because it's near the metro station.'

× I work in the freezer section where I restock the product for the daily use for the customers.

✓ I work in the freezer section where I restock products for the customers' daily use.

Use plural 'products' and possessive 'customers' to show ownership. 'For the daily use for the customers' is awkward; 'customers' daily use' is correct prepositional/pronominal structure.

× As I told you that there is a metro station here to it.

✓ As I told you, there is a metro station here.

Remove extra words 'to it' which are incorrect prepositional additions. Use a comma after 'As I told you'.

× So it's very convenient to up and down from from the home.

✓ So it's very convenient to travel to and from home.

Replace awkward 'up and down from from the home' with 'to and from home'. Remove duplicate 'from'. Use 'travel' or 'commute' for movement.

× And alongside there is also the food court in between that mall.

✓ There is also a food court inside the mall.

Use 'inside the mall' instead of 'in between that mall' and avoid 'alongside' here. 'The mall' is correct if the mall was mentioned previously; otherwise 'the' is fine.

× So whensoever I have a break, I just used to eat it from there.

✓ So whenever I have a break, I just eat there.

Use simple present 'eat' for habitual action instead of 'used to eat' which suggests a past habit. Remove 'it' after 'eat' and use 'whenever' (one word).

× Yes definitely I love the place where I'm working right now as the Staffs are very polite and cooperative.

✓ Yes, definitely I love the place where I'm working right now because the staff are very polite and cooperative.

Use 'staff' as an uncountable noun (not 'Staffs') and use 'because' instead of 'as' for clarity. Add commas for natural pauses.

× Also they help each other within the different task along with the manager who is very sweet and very give give the shifts to the another person.

✓ They also help each other with different tasks, and the manager is very kind and gives shifts to other people.

'Help each other with' is correct collocation. Use plural 'tasks'. 'Very sweet and very give give the shifts to the another person' is ungrammatical; change to 'very kind and gives shifts to other people.' Remove extra 'the' and duplicate words.

× As I am pharmacy technician so for my for my future goals, I'm trying to register myself as a pharmacy technician through the Sika and once I get this then I definitely I will be getting working to the pharmacy which will help me to build up my career.

✓ As I am a pharmacy technician, for my future goals I'm trying to register through the SIKA, and once I do, I will definitely work in a pharmacy which will help me build my career.

Add indefinite article 'a' before 'pharmacy technician'. Remove duplicate phrases. Use 'register through SIKA' (capitalize proper noun if organization). Replace awkward 'get this then I definitely I will be getting working to the pharmacy' with 'once I do, I will definitely work in a pharmacy.' Use 'build my career' rather than 'build up my career' for conciseness.