工作— Part 1 评分报告

建议: Be concise and natural: start with a clear topic sentence, then add one specific detail. Avoid repetition and awkward phrases (e.g. “named as,” “over there”). Use correct collocations (e.g. “I work nights” or “I’m a night team member”).

示例: I work at Woolworths, a well-known supermarket chain in Australia. I’m based at the Bella Vista store and I usually work on the night team, where I help with restocking and store duties.

建议: Lead with a clear location sentence, then give one or two specific, relevant details connected with linking words. Improve grammar (e.g. “between Seven Hills and Castle Hill,” “convenient to get to,” “I work in the freezer section, where I restock products”).

示例: I work at the Bella Vista Woolworths, which lies between Seven Hills and Castle Hill. It’s convenient to get there because it’s close to the metro, and I work in the freezer section restocking frozen products for customers.

建议: Answer directly, then give one or two clear reasons with correct linking words. Fix grammar and natural phrases (e.g. “convenient to get to from home,” “there is a food court nearby,” “I usually eat there during breaks”). Avoid redundancy and long awkward sentences.

示例: Yes, it’s a good place to work because it’s easy to get to from home — it’s near the metro. Also, there’s a food court nearby, so I usually buy something to eat during my breaks.

建议: Start with a clear opinion sentence, then support it with specific examples using correct grammar and vocabulary (e.g. “colleagues are polite and cooperative,” “managers are supportive and flexible with shifts”). Avoid repetition and incorrect word forms (“staff” is uncountable; do not say “give give”).

示例: Yes, I really like working there. The staff are polite and cooperative, and the manager is very supportive and flexible with shifts, which makes the working environment pleasant.

建议: Give a clear topic sentence about your plan, then add specific steps and a timeline if possible. Correct grammar and word choice (e.g. “I am training to become a registered pharmacy technician,” “I’m applying for registration through AHPRA/ TAFE/ relevant body — clarify the name,” “then I plan to work in a pharmacy to develop my career”). Avoid repetition.

示例: I plan to become a registered pharmacy technician. I’m currently applying for registration through the appropriate authority, and once I’m registered I will look for a job in a community pharmacy to gain experience and progress my career.

× I work in a company which is very famous in Australia, named as Woolworth.

✓ I work in a company that is very famous in Australia, named Woolworth.

Use of 'named as' is incorrect; use 'named' or 'called'. Also 'which' for people/companies is acceptable but 'that' is more natural in restrictive clauses. This fixes article/word choice and phrasing.

× It is situated in the Bella Vista.

✓ It is situated in Bella Vista.

The definite article 'the' is unnecessary before proper place names like Bella Vista. Remove 'the' to use the correct form.

× I work as a night field member over there.

✓ I work as a night shift worker there.

Expression 'night field member' is incorrect. Use 'night shift worker' to describe someone who works at night. 'Over there' is wordy; 'there' or omitted is better.

× I work in Bella Vista which is between Seven Hills and the Castle Hill.

✓ I work in Bella Vista, which is between Seven Hills and Castle Hill.

Do not use 'the' before 'Castle Hill' when naming the suburb. Add a comma before the nonrestrictive clause 'which is...'.

× The way to reach out is very convenient as it is near to the metro station.

✓ The way to get there is very convenient because it is near the metro station.

'Reach out' is wrong in this context; use 'get there' or 'reach it'. Preposition 'near to' is incorrect with 'near'; use 'near' + noun. Also replace 'as' with clearer 'because'.

× I work in the freezer section where I restock the product for the daily use for the customers.

✓ I work in the freezer section where I restock products for the customers' daily use.

Plural 'products' fits general reference. Possessive 'customers' daily use' is clearer. 'For the daily use for the customers' is awkward; rephrase for natural noun phrase.

× Yes, this place is very interesting.

✓ Yes, this place is very nice to work in.

Context asks if it's a good place to work; 'interesting' is grammatical but doesn't directly answer. Rephrase to match the question more directly.

× As I told you that there is a metro station here to it.

✓ As I told you, there is a metro station here.

Sentence has unnecessary words 'to it' and awkward structure. Remove redundancy and add comma after introductory clause.

× So it's very convenient to up and down from from the home.

✓ So it's very convenient to travel to and from home.

Phrase 'up and down from from the home' is ungrammatical and duplicate 'from'. Use 'to and from home' or 'travel to and from home' for clarity.

× And alongside there is also the food court in between that mall.

✓ There is also a food court in that mall.

Use 'a' not 'the' for introducing 'food court'. 'In between that mall' is incorrect; use 'in that mall'. Simplify sentence.

× So whensoever I have a break, I just used to eat it from there.

✓ So whenever I have a break, I just eat there.

'Used to' implies past habit; context is present. 'Eat it from there' is awkward; 'eat there' is natural. Also 'whensoever' is archaic; use 'whenever'.

× Yes definitely I love the place where I'm working right now as the Staffs are very polite and cooperative.

✓ Yes, I definitely love the place where I'm working right now because the staff are very polite and cooperative.

'Staffs' is incorrect plural; 'staff' can be plural or 'staff members'. Add 'because' for reason and punctuation after 'Yes'.

× Also they help each other within the different task along with the manager who is very sweet and very give give the shifts to the another person.

✓ They also help each other with different tasks, and the manager is very kind and gives shifts to other people.

Use 'help each other with tasks'. 'Along with' is unnecessary. 'Very sweet and very give give' is ungrammatical and duplicated; use 'is very kind and gives'. 'the another person' should be 'other people' or 'another person'.

× What are your future work plans?

✓ What are your future work plans?

This sentence is correct and needs no change.

× As I am pharmacy technician so for my for my future goals, I'm trying to register myself as a pharmacy technician through the Sika and once I get this then I definitely I will be getting working to the pharmacy which will help me to build up my career.

✓ As I am a pharmacy technician, for my future goals I'm trying to register through the SIKA, and once I do, I will definitely work in a pharmacy, which will help me build my career.

Missing article 'a' before 'pharmacy technician'. Remove redundant 'for my'. 'Register myself as a pharmacy technician through the Sika' is awkward; 'register through SIKA' is clearer (capitalize if proper name). 'I will be getting working to the pharmacy' is ungrammatical; use 'I will work in a pharmacy'. Remove unnecessary 'to' and 'be getting'. Simplify and correct verb forms.